I have always been afraid of being pregnant but not in the same (although valid) ways that many women are scared of getting bigger or having their body not be their own. For me, I’ve always been worried that my body was somehow too fragile and that I would experience serious health complications. In my 9-5, I work in the reproductive freedom space and so I’m acutely aware of maternal mortality rates in the US (and even worse, in my home state of Georgia). So while the news of a positive pregnancy test included all the joy you’d expect, it also carried a sense of theoretical impending doom.

At our 20-week appointment, the ultrasound tech thought they saw a large cyst and referred us to a specialist. After waiting three hours, the specialist started out by saying, “people find themselves in my office when there is a significant problem with their pregnancy.” They proceeded to say they couldn’t confirm if there was a cyst. We’d find out at subsequent visits that the ultrasound tech simply read the machine wrong but it fueled my fears and made me nervous for each visit.

From the fear-mongering we first experienced, we decided we wanted a practice with better bedside manner. We switched providers and moved to a midwife-centered practice (they still had amazing OBs but midwives handled almost everything). We specifically chose our practice because they delivered at Wellstar North Fulton which is the only hospital in Georgia which allows you to deliver in water (not just to labor in water). The hospital also boasts the lowest c-section rate in the state.

Then at our glucose test appointment, after downing the glucose drink, I started feeling dizzy. I lost consciousness and was thankfully caught by my husband. My midwife wasn’t too concerned but of course, I was terrified.

As we got further along, the midwives would note that our baby boy was breech but that we had plenty of time to flip him. It became my obsession to do so — researching everything I could and scheduling weekly Webster chiropractor appointments, doing spinning babies exercises daily, applying ice-packs to the top of my belly and warm packs towards my pelvis, playing music towards my pelvis, going to prenatal massages, etc. Towards the end of the third trimester, I even found myself ordering Chinese incense called moxibustion . Basically, if someone told me there was a chance something would help, I would try it.

The weekend before my due date, I decided to try one more prenatal massage. A Hail Mary of sorts. Before I got on the massage table, I started feeling woozy and I fainted — falling on my face. My husband rushed to get me and bring us to the hospital for monitoring. From what they could tell, baby wasn’t bothered but my face was roughed up pretty bad, my front teeth had almost gone through my lips, and my belly was bruised from falling.

Prior to fainting, we had scheduled an ECV (External Cephalic Version) for 3 days before our due-date. This is where a doctor tries to manually move baby (on the outside) from breech to a head-down position. If the procedure works, it’s recommended to be induced right away so that baby doesn’t flip back around. If the procedure doesn’t work, you’re brought directly into the the operating room for a c-section. Either way, you come to the hospital with your bags packed.

We arrived at the hospital and sat down with our doctor and an anesthesiologist. I reminded them that I had been in the hospital over the weekend for fainting and because of that, they expressed serious concerns over attempting an ECV. I am pretty risk adverse and I know when to listen to the experts so I told them that they didn’t have to convince me — we’d do the c-section. Within minutes, I was walking myself into the operating room and hugging the sweetest nurse as they administered a spinal block.

My nerves started to get the better of me as I went down a calm but morbid thought process — “I’m probably going to die but my husband will be a great dad.” My husband was brought into the OR and snapped me out of my death thinking. The two of us talked and teared up while our doctor did her magic. When they pulled our son out, my husband exclaimed to the room, “Happy Birthday, son!!”

Our hospital is known to allow for something called a “gentle cesarean.” It’s where you can play music in the OR, you can opt for delayed cord-clamping, and you can have a clear sheet pulled down when they pull baby out. They allow skin-to-skin and overall, they focus on delivering baby into a calm environment. We didn’t do all of the things we could have but we were extremely appreciative of a calm atmosphere.